Jewish Teen Considers Passing Over His Faith

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Posted by Joshua Raifman on March 31, 2010 at 03:54pm

photo: meghamama/

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It’s a mother’s worst nightmare. You raise your son to embrace family traditions, and then, at seventeen years of age, he sits you down and tells you he wants to leave it all behind. On this Passover, Youth Radio’s Joshua Raifman of Piedmont, California, is thinking about abandoning Judaism. And no one in his family, including him, is quite sure what to think about it.

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AMBIENT: Singing at Bar Mitzvah.

That’s me five years ago, singing at my Bar Mitzvah. It happened around this time of year, right in the middle of Passover. It was the culmination of eight years of preparation at Hebrew school. And it’s probably the most Jewish I’ve ever felt…

But I’m 17 now, and as lazy as it sounds, I’m indifferent to being Jewish. My mom doesn’t like the idea very much.

JOSHUA: Would it make you sad if I stopped identifying as a Jew?

SUSAN RAIFMAN: Yes!

JOSHUA: It would?

SUSAN: It would make me sad.

JOSHUA: Why would it make you sad?

SUSAN: Because I think it is important, I mean that was my goal for you is to make you understand that you’re Jewish. You will always be Jewish. I just want you to understand that you are a Jew. It is what it is, sorry honey.

JOSHUA: No I’m just wondering, it’s just a question. So you want me to keep feeling Jewish?

SUSAN: Well feeling Jewish? I just want you to know that you are a Jew.

But what makes me a Jew? We don’t go to temple, we don’t celebrate Shabbat, and we barely talk about Judaism in our day-to-day lives.

My mom says our family has operated this way since she was a kid…

SUSAN RAIFMAN: I don’t even believe we belonged to a temple. So there was no talk of God. It was just basically knowing that you are born Jewish, and that there are not that many of us in the world.

For my mom, identifying as a secular Jew was never hard, because she grew up in Brooklyn. She was surrounded by Jewish food, and music, and people saying Oy’vey all the time.

But I’m growing up without that. So to get it, I’d need to join a Jewish group at school, but my mom doesn’t like that idea either.

SUSAN RAIFMAN: I don’t like being identified and joining a group, because it’s so exclusive. I think people are so different and so alike in so many ways, to identify and be members of the Asian club or the African-American club, or the Jewish club, I don’t think that enforces unity. And to just join a club because you’re Jewish, is to me absolutely absurd.

Wait a minute mom…on the one hand you want me to understand I’m a Jew, but on the other hand if I want to spend some time with other Jews, I’m being absurd?

Without joining a Jewish group, I don’t have many reminders that it’s good to be Jewish.

On top of that, my family provides me with lots of reminders about how hard it is to be Jewish.

Arlene Rettig: I think anti-Semitism is an underlying ideology of many many people.

This is my grandma Arlene…

Arlene Rettig: But I think anti-Semitism is rampant, and gets worse when times are bad. It’s growing and it’s frightening now.

There’s so much baggage that comes with Judaism, even Passover is full of it. It’s all about slavery in Egypt more than two thousand years ago. And when I get past the bondage, and the religion I don’t believe in, I’m not left with much…except my family’s less than stellar rendition of Chanukah prayers…

AMBIENT: Singing Chanunkah Prayers…

As a teenager I’m deciding who I want to be, but when I think about Judaism, it doesn’t even make the list. Nor do I feel guilty about it.

How un-Jewish is that?

For Youth Radio, I’m Joshua Raifman.

(11) comments | permalink

Comments

passover, how about just taking a "no thank you" helping?

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 05:48.

As a father of four, I have been there, done that. It is a normal part of growing up. It is normal to question and challenge every single thing that your parents did or did not do for/to you. Religion is no exception. At some point in the not to distant future you will make a more significant decision to embrace the concept of religion or to try to navigate life without it. Religion gives you a moral compass that no other experience can duplicate. Judaism is the ultimate religious experience since it is the "source" of most modern faiths. Aside from that you will have to figure the rest out for yourself. I think you were short changed by parents who assumed you would value something they didn't. Can you rise above that and find out for yourself that religion is a good force in a world that is more often than not just a bit crazy? Time will tell.

Your mother sounds familiar

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 20:06.

This reminds me of my husband at 17 when we were both freshmen in college. He called his parents to tell them he had an interview with a friend of theirs for a part-time job the following week, and his mother said, "You can't go. It's Yom Kippur." He said, "Why not? Is your friend Jewish?" And his mother said, "No, honey. You are." His parents never attended temple, not even on holy days, since his Bar Mitzvah. How was he suddenly supposed to take his Jewishness into consideration. If Jewish mothers want Jewish sons, they are going to have to show them how to be Jewish.

Why be Jewish. I'll try to be brief.

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 14:23.

Well, Josh, you've asked the central question all Jews ask. ALL. The only thing is some come up with an answer more quickly than others. So I'll try to give you an answer. But, we've got to talk about your mom first. She raised you with pretty low cultural aspirations. "Know" that you are Jewish. That's about it. And you do indeed "know" so you have fulfilled your mom's goal. And since you have fulfilled your mother's goal, she really is out of the picture. Now we are on to you because you sense, somewhere deep down in your soul, that there just might be more to Jewish identity than "knowing" one's default heritage. We are a people with 4000 years of history. And though we have had our ups and downs, we have, over that course of 4000 years, stayed true to a central concept of Torah which is: make the world a better place, make yourself a better person. That is really what it means to be Jewish. Now, some do that in a secular manner, some in a religious manner. Some look to social justice, others to prayer. Many Jews choose both.

All our holidays, all our customs, all our ceremonies, all our study is in service of this idea: make the world a better place, make yourself a better person. Now some very religious Jews will say, no, it is to serve God. Sure it is. But we serve God why? To make ourselves better, to make the world better. To be ethical and moral. Some Jews struggle with God but take very seriously our 4000 years of passing on ethics. Call it a cultural imperative.

Listen, Josh, we have an astonishing history with deep thought and complex philosophies. Sure we joke about guilt and suffering but those are just jokes. They are just silly things comedians talk about. It's not really what Judaism is all about.

You are 17, a perfect time to learn on a sophisticated level. You need to find a teacher. Maybe in college or maybe a local rabbi or just some Jew who is connected to our people. You need to ask some questions and demand some decent answers. And if you don't get decent answers, keep asking until you do. Find a teacher who understands where you are coming from and be open to learning, if not for yourself, then learn it for the sake of being more aware.

Nice piece, btw. Very interesting and very honest. I suspect you've shared something many others are feeling. Thanks for that.

Rabbi, Newburgh, NY

Why be Jewish????

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 14:22.

I have found that most people want to feel connected to something greater than themselves. A religion, a cause, maybe a common interest (fishermen of America unite!) For many Jews, the common bond is often a blend of common faith, a shared history that goes back thousands of years, and a rich fabric of tradition (including rituals, foods, values and ethical concerns.) You might ask yourself, when your family does gather (as I suspect it does) for "Jewish" events, are you ready to exclude yourself. Are you so self contained that you feel no need to join that weak rendition of prayer. Some times fate does not allow us to decide for ourselves. Jews across Europe found that saying I do not accept my being Jewish, little help when it came time to be rounded up. I understand that right now you feel that identifying as a Jew is a burden. But understand that living your life will place many burdens on you, school, jobs, having a family, growing old. Nothing worth having is easy! Taking the easy path can become a habit. Right now I hear you blaming your family, the area you grew up in, etc., for your lack of Jewishness, time to grow up and decide for yourself.

Being Jewish isn't static

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 11:17.

Joshua- I know what you are feeling. Judaism, for me growing up, was much like you describe it. We were Jews, but what did we actually do that was Jewish besides saying that we are Jewish? Not much. I had a Bar Mitzvah as well, and it was, you could say the "height" of my Jewishness. It then began to feel like a burden, or something that didn't have much to offer me.

However, recently, I have had a change of heart. I am 25, and after doing a few programs, my eyes have been opened to the multitude of different ways that people and organizations define Judaism. I completely disagree with your mom by the way about joining a Jewish group. While she is correct that you should be wary of joining a Jewish group that talks about Jewish exceptional-ism and insulating themselves, there of plenty of Jewish groups that focus on issues with a wider scope, but with a Jewish framework.

I would encourage you to look at groups like American Jewish World Service, Jewish Funds for Justice, and AVODAH: The Jewish Service Corps. These are groups that take the message of Tikkun Olam and Gimilut Hasidim, but they apply them with a more universal scope.

If these groups don't speak to your "Jewishness" then that is fine too. Sometimes, organized religion isn't for everyone. Either way, best of luck on your "Jewish Journey."

I would understand

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 10:44.

If you were Orthodox, then it would suck. But why make a big deal about this?

Be a proud Jew

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 09:31.

Josh, The beauty of living in this country is that you can do whatever you want and choose whatever path you wish to take. With that said, please understand what it means to be a Jew. For thousands of years, there have been people who have tried to wipe us out. The motives vary, but it really doesn't matter. I am far from the perfect Jew, but I am a proud one. I am proud that my people have survived and THRIVED throughout the centuries. I don't care where you live or where you're from - being a Jew is a blessing and something you should embrace. So many people stray from Judaism that we have become in essence, an endangered species. The inspiring thing is how many of us are successful in life. You name the field and Jews have been a part of it in a major way. Call me corny, but I think it all happens for a reason. And in this instance, it's G-d's way of laughing at Hitler and everyone else who wishes us harm simply because of our birthright. My old Hebrew school teacher Mrs. Davidoff told us that "you can't be a good Jew or a bad Jew - a Jew is a Jew is a Jew." Be proud.

Go For It!

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 09:18.

You can choose how you identify yourself. Others will choose how they identify you. You can go from Raifman to Smith or Johnson. Others will find ways of knowing your heritage, whether you identify with it or not. So, enjoy whatever you choose to enjoy. But, know that no matter where you live, even in Brooklyn, we've got to love ourselves, because the nations of the world have made it clear that for as long as G-d loves us, they won't - at least not without conditions.

The Bare Bones of It

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 09:16.

Hi, Josh. Questioning God, being angry with God...these are common among Jewish writings, even in Torah. We all go through periods of questioning who we are and what we believe as part of the normal process of separating from our parents and discovering who we are as individuals. It doesn't make you an outcast. Nevertheless, you didn't say what you believed in. Religious labels aside, do you believe in God? (The answers are yes, no, or not sure yet.) How do you view the world and us in it? Do you believe in original sin and that our souls need to be saved for the next world or do you believe that we were born without sin, even though clearly we do sin (which in Hebrew, more correctly translates to "falling off the mark")? Stripping Judeo-Christian beliefs down to their bare bones (and assuming you do believe in God), the first of the beliefs above are Christian; the second are Jewish. Some people are religiously/culturally Jewish; others simply identify with the Jewish people in a cultural sense. You are past the age of bar mitzvah. It is up to you to forge your own path. Best of luck in your exploration.

i know what you mean, but dont give it up

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 09:13.

My father is Jewish and never really taught my sister or me anything besides Passover and Hanukkah. My mother is some form of New Wave Christian...what I consider looking for spirituality rather than religion. She tried to take us to church when we were young, we never really wanted to go. Maybe it's parents forcing you to contribute to a particular religion which throws you off from it. However, it's always been my choice to what I wanted to be. I'll tell you, I've always considered myself Jewish. Maybe not a religious Jew, but I have the blood flowing through me... although we could argue everyone does. My father grew up in Great Neck, New York. Being a Bay Area girl, I know what you mean by not growing up in the culture. Maybe because people mistake me for Hispanic all the time, they are always surprised, ""You're Jewish? Really? Say something Jewish!" ::sigh:: Anything Jewish they want to know they come to me, even though I don't know much myself... Sometimes it's hard being the only Jew in a group. But because of this, I personally feel a need to know more about Judaism. This may not mean going to Hebrew school or having a bat mitzva, but I joined Hillel of Silicon Valley and plan on going to Israel with Taglit. I want to know about my past, about my Jewish heritage. And although I consider myself agnostic, and that the Old Testament is pretty much just stories filled with morals and values to live by, I still love being Jewish. Even if I consider myself just a cultural Jew. Many people my age (20-somethings) may not consider themselves religious Jews, but I would ask you to try and not give it up culturally. Your mother is right, you'll always be Jewish, if you choose not to embrace it, please don't give it up completely.

I understand - Here's an idea.

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 08:19.

I grew up in Idaho, far far away from any Jewish community and have always considered myself Jewish though I have run into exactly what you are feeling. But here is what I found out Judaism is two things: a religion AND a community. You can't really have one without the other (though there are some exceptions). Look up a free program called Birthright/Taglit. I would suggest you go on that free trip to Israel to finally FEEL the community (The trip is both about discovering Israel and discovering other young Jews). The diversity is amazing and really helps you to start exploring your feelings.

Growing up apart from a Jewish community and far from a temple, I finally started to feel more welcome in this group like never before. I honestly think my parents were wrong to not understand how much community really is important to Jewish self-identification. I would encourage you to join the Jewish groups and explore them - some might be wrong for you, but others might be the perfect fit.

One fact repeated again and again in Israel is the statistic that Jewish families in the diaspora leaving orthodoxy leave Judaism within 5 generations. Your story and mine highlight this vividly: if you are not part of a community and you don't practice the important religious parts, then why care about being Jewish or raise your kids as Jews? Not to suggest Israel is perfect or right for most people, but Israel bucks this sort of trend because you have a diverse community of Jews. If you join young Jewish groups and explore the community, you may start to gain an appreciation for it. This is where I think your mother may truly be wrong - you should find the community. If you don't join any groups, practice the religion, then you are correct - why identify as being Jewish? It is not easy, there is alot of antisemitism, so why deal with it if it isn't you? I think there is a truly vibrant community, culture, and religion if you go out and find it. It is very hard to do on your own when your parents don't support it; but you truly are a part of an exclusive group and you should find out what that entails. Go out, join groups, clubs; tell them exactly where you are at and say you want to find out. I think you will be amazed at what you find.