In my family, most information about sex was withheld until my late teenage years, when they suddenly deemed me old enough to hear about it. Now that the teenage years are permanently behind me, my family talks about sex around me left and right. One thing that hasn't changed is the wide-eyed look of confusion that pops up on my face whenever I hear their candid discussion of (what I think is too much) sexual information. While talking about sex to older family members may seem uncomfortable, I think it's very important to see just how things have changed and how they've stayed the same.
In the past, I've felt comfortable talking to one of my older female cousins because we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. For instance, she and I both agree that the way that sexuality is portrayed in the media is getting out of hand. But, we also think that such exposure has led the way to better communication between teens and parents regarding the subject. Disappointingly, despite the availability of information, the CDC reports, not an improvement, but a plateau and possibly even a dip in the sexual health of teens from 2002-07. And given the issues regarding the effectiveness of abstince-only sex education, which became popular during the Bush administration, it's all the more important to address how we talk about the deed. It is very saddening to see that there are still parents out there who are so obsessed with believing that their children are pure-minded and chaste (whether they are or not), that they withhold vital information that can save their kids from broken hearts or physical danger.
Recently, I took the opportunity to ask that older female cousin of mine questions about how people used to talk about sex when she was growing up, which was about 25 years ago. I was hoping to find out just how much discussion and public exposure to sexuality has shifted since then.
Q: What did you learn about sexuality from your teachers? Friends? Church/synagogue? Parents? Books?
COUSIN: My mom said, “Don’t do it.” There wasn’t a lot of talk about it; you just didn’t do it. The teachers said, “Don’t do it, but if you do, do it safely with precautions.” With my friends, it was peer pressure. My friends told me how good it was, that I should do it, and how they enjoyed doing it…there was pressure to do it from my friends. I didn’t have anyone in church talk to me about sex, but I’m sure the pastor would have said to abstain until marriage.
Q: Were there different standards for men and women? For instance, were most people virgins when they got married?
COUSIN: No. In my time? No. Most of the pressure has always been placed on women, considering that women carry babies. Men are supposed to contribute [to their children’s lives], but they don’t always do that. Therefore, women have always been left with most of the burden. Society has always made different between men and women. I do think that women should always treat their body like a temple and not let every man gain easy entrance. Sadly, in our society, when a man has sex with a lot of women, he’s called a “player”; when women have sex with a lot of men, though, she’s called a “ho.” Men only have to use a condom. Women have to make sure they have double protection: they have to use another form of birth control with the condom, because what will happen if the condom breaks? What if the guy you are having sex with has a disease?
Q: When did you first learn about homosexuality? What were attitudes about it like?
COUSIN: I really don’t remember when I learned about it, but it wasn’t talked about often. I mean, you’d hear people talking about it, but nobody in our family did. If anyone in our family was gay, they kept it under wraps. When I got older and met more people, I learned about it. Even when I was a teenager, a few girls were having sex with each other, but they never talked about it with me. I would just hear stuff about a few girls liking each other and having sex with each other, but I never asked them or tried to find out. If they had wanted me to know, they would have told me. They didn’t because they knew who they wanted to discuss it with. If I was in their clique, they might have told me, but they knew I wasn’t like that, and they never approached me with that.
Q: Why do you think it can be so difficult for parents to talk to their kids about sex? What might make it easier?
COUSIN: It’s all in the way that parents themselves grew up. That’s the best way to understand why many parents find it hard to talk to their kids about having sex. My mother was too blunt in the way she told me, and I don’t think you should talk to a child about sex like that. I’m more patient with my son because I didn’t get that from my mother. I wanted to be the opposite of my mother with my child. Understand that if you have a communication problem in the family, it will keep repeating itself. A lot of parents can be embarrassed to talk about it; they don’t know how to talk to their kids about it. Communication is the key. A lot of kids are learning incorrect lessons about sex in the street. If you talk to your child, then you know they will be receiving information that will be more factual than what others have told them. I have to say this to those [nervous] parents: “Get over yourselves! Don’t allow others from the outside to tell your kids what you should be telling them.” I don’t want my son learning about that stuff in the streets. If he were to decide to go out, have sex, and cause a girl to get pregnant because I hadn’t taught him, then I would be at fault. However, I have given him the information. So, if he gets a girl pregnant when he gets older, even though I told him about it, then it will be on him. I’ve always given him the best advice I could give him.
Q: What’s the best advice or most useful information you ever received about sex? The worst? Who was it from?
COUSIN: The best advice that I got was to wait [for sex] until I was ready and to not let the guy pressure me into doing it. Girls can be naïve, and will often do what the boy wants to do. If your body tells you “no”, then follow that advice. The worst advice I ever got was about how it was going to feel. I was 15 when I got that information, and I’m 42 years old now…you do the math. (laughter) After the first time, I didn’t do it again until 16, and at 16, I did it twice. I didn’t have sex on a regular basis…I was too scared that my mother would find out.
Here’s some useful advice: Don’t let the man tell you that you shouldn’t use protection. Today, people practice safe sex more often, but there are still some men that say, “I don’t like condoms.” Don’t let them tell you something different, because trust me, they will. People are still being stupid and thinking only about the feeling of sex, but not the outcome of it, even though AIDS is rampant now. In my day, all you had to worry about was just an STI or, at worse, herpes. By the way, using the pull-out method doesn’t work; when men get hard, they start leaking. Not a lot, but they will be leaking. Furthermore, when you have sex with somebody, you need to know that person very well. Always look his [or her] body over. Don’t let them tell you, “Nothing is wrong with this bump, it’s always been there,” or something. If the bump feels funny to you and you become uncomfortable, don’t do it!
Previously:
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