photo: César Marques/ BY-NC

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A few nights after the party, Damian and I meet for dinner at one of Cuba's better restaurants. Dishes run about ten dollars each, which means the restaurant is only affordable for tourists or Cuba's elite. Damian tells me with a whisper that he's heard the restaurant is owned by lesbians. That night, as we're eating, a group of twenty women are having a dinner party. Damian tells me excitedly that they're all lesbians. Many are famous musicians, writers and artists in Cuba, which is why they can afford the restaurant.

Over spaghetti, I ask Damian what he thought of the party Friday night. He tells me he didn't think it was so fun, and wishes he could always go to Turf Club instead-- a 'straight' club in Havana that plays mostly techno.

I suggest that maybe things would be better if the government approved an official gay club in Havana. He disagrees.

"If there were official gay clubs it would be more or less the same--creating ghettos, but this time it would be official ghettos", Damian says. "I mean why do you create special clubs for gay people if you're not trying to create ghettos? That's where you go to do what you can't do outside that place. I don't want that. I want to go to Turf Club with my lover, and be able to kiss him."

Damian's tried before. He's dated a few foreigners, and even gone with them to Turf Club. They were fine with kissing and dancing at a straight club, but Damian felt like people at the club were watching and judging him. When Damian told one foreign boyfriend to tone down the PDA, he found himself in a familiar argument.

"He asked me, 'Why?' and I said 'You know why'", Damian pauses, realizing the irony of his story. "And that's really hard, to realize you say the same thing [that's been said to you]...I said 'We aren't allowed, it could be punished by the government, there's no specific punishment but there could be a punishment..."

Damian trails off, and his frustration is palpable. I feel him wondering how gay people in Cuba can begin to improve their situation when it's illegal for them to organize their own clubs, activism, or even parties.

"We have to know exactly what we want, a different way of life here in Cuba," Damian says. "We have to try to challenge the law so that the police can't harass people because there [would be] a law that doesn't allow them to do that."

But before that can happen, Damian knows he has other battles to fight.

"I grew up never talking about being gay, always hearing 'When you grow up, you'll marry a beautiful girl'...I think that will stay with me forever, that education, that insecurity." Damian pauses, and he looks me straight in the eyes. "I will try to start the fight with me," Damian says. "With me and my own homophobia. The homophobia that makes you believe on some level you're wrong. You have to fight against that."