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Freedom

"I think I'm ready for the outside world..."

By Anthony Stevenson

I got out of Camp Sweeney on Tuesday, March 5, 2002. I was locked up for 10 months. This was my fifth time being locked up — in three different counties.

I think I'm ready for the outside world, but thinking doesn't really mean that much to me. I can think of a plan — or a way to do something — but it will NEVER work if I don't put it to use.

It's kind of like the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." It's hard, because I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I keep telling myself that I know I can do it, and be successful in life. But what if I fail?

What if I fail at the things I need to be successful? But what's the worst thing that can happen? I know what the worst thing is. It's knowing that I might fail at the things that I have already MASTERED…the things that I've gone over time and time again. What will happen to me then?

That can hurt more than failing at things I'm learning for the first time. The things that I'm talking about aren't just jobs. It's things like money and relationships, keeping up with my bills and expenses. Keeping up my family, friends, and my love.

All this pressure is so intense, so I don't know how to express the feelings, emotion or the power I feel running through my veins. I can do so much that it scrambles my brain. Sometimes I have to spend more time getting my head straight than thinking of what it is I need to do and how I should do it.

I don't know if I need help. Do I? Should I ask for it? Where would I find it? Hopefully, I don't have to announce it to the world because my enemies would be close by. And when anyone's enemies know that you have a weak spot or a problem, that's their ticket to making anyone's life a living hell.

I think it's more important to watch my enemies than my friends. That's why my enemies stay closer to me than my friends. If I can avoid a problem before it starts, that's one less thing to worry about.

Now I have to work on everything else.

For Youth Radio, I'm Anthony Stevenson.