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A Soldier's Reflection
"I was in Iraq for just three months, but I got used to that state of
being."
Listen
to this Commentary!
By Gaurav Taneja
24-year-old Gaurav Taneja fought with Second Battalion, 23rd Marines Fox
Company when they invaded Iraq. He spent his childhood in India, and joined
the U.S. military at 17. Now, Taneja is a college student and a veteran, like
thousands of other young U-S soldiers who are coming home after completing their
first tours. These Reflections on Return come from Youth Radio.
I was in Iraq for just three months, but I got used to that state of being.
When I was in Iraq, I was always carrying so much weight on my body. I had a
weapon on me at all times, even when I was sleeping and doing my business. Back
here in the states, I feel naked, with no armor, and no weapon. Sometimes my
hands crawl up my body, as if I’m reaching for my weapon, but there’s nothing
there.
And I still don’t like loud noises. I can’t listen to loud music at all. It
makes me jumpy. I don’t like people coming up from behind me. A waiter did that
to me at a restaurant, at a birthday dinner for a friend, with a bunch of other
people I hardly knew. The waiter just wanted to fill my water glass, but I didn’t
see him coming. I asked him not to do that again, and everyone at the table
looked at me, like “What’s up with this guy?” I couldn’t really explain—I just
said, “War can do that to you.”
Now I’m a junior studying business at UC Riverside, where I don’t know many
people. This one girl in my poli sci class knew I was a Marine. But she wasn’t
afraid to tell me she thought we went to war for oil. Still, talking to her
made me realize, I came back to a society that at least shows me some respect,
even when people don’t agree. My struggle is nothing compared to Vietnam Vets,
who came back to a society where a lot of people hated them.
I tell people a lot about my experience in war, but I don’t tell them everything.
I don’t talk to anybody about the emotions. It’s too hard to talk about.
I still remember when we were four or five days into the war, our superiors
said our supplies couldn’t catch up with us. We were on one meal a day—food
supplies were that short. But a young man in combat is supposed to have at least
three meals a day …just to keep going, digging holes all day, ready to fight
at all times. I got so sick over there from hunger. It might sound strange,
but I think that was the only time I was scared I might not make it. Even during
one of the fiercest battles I experienced, I wasn’t scared.
But now that I’m here in the states, I think about that big fire-fight all the
time. My buddies getting hurt, playing chess in the desert, just everyday life
in Iraq… That’s the kind of stuff that goes through my mind—especially late
at night.
When I first got home, I slept fine, but these days, my sleep patterns have
been totally messed up. In Iraq, there were nights when I didn’t sleep at all.
Maybe my body kind of got used to that. Now, I try watching TV, reading books,
whatever I can think of to get myself tired.
But the thing is, when I tell people I was in Iraq for the war, they say, “Oh,
I understand,” as if they know.
But they don’t know.
- Gaurav Taneja returns to his Marine unit one weekend a month for reserve duty. His commentary is part of a special Youth Radio series "Reflections on Return".
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