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Dealing With Violent Homophobia
"I don’t know how to explain it but my whole being was in rage, because they hurt you."
By Anne Santos
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The year 2007 ended, and the Mathew Shepard Act - legislation that would have added sexual orientation and gender identity to a list of hate crimes- was dropped by Congress. The proposed act is named after a 22-year old who was brutally attacked and murdered in 1998 for being gay. Sadly, violence against queer people continues to be a major problem nationwide. Youth Radio’s Anne Santos is among those who have endured violence because of her identity. In this story, she describes what happened one day when she was followed by two men who were yelling homophobic insults and threats. And how her family came to deal with the experience.
I guess I didn’t lock my door, and I felt someone opening my door, and someone just grabbed me and pulled me out really hard, and slammed me against my truck. Well, they kicked my ass pretty bad. They ripped my shirt. They were just laughing the whole time. Calling me names, laughing, saying I deserved this.
And I was just quiet. I just thought about what my mom was saying that I shouldn’t do anything or I’m just going to get more in trouble. So I let them hit me. Finally after I don’t know how long, it felt like a long time, the guy standing in the back said “let’s just go, let’s just go.”
My right eye was closed all the way, it was swollen shut. I don’t remember if there was blood. My left eye was kind of shut, which was the one of was looking through when I was driving. My shirt was ripped; I think my pants were ripped. I looked like crap. I looked really bad, so I didn’t want anybody to see that. Except for my mom and sister.
IZA (on tape)
You called me on my cell phone and I thought you just needed me to get something from your car. And I opened the door and I saw your shirt ripped. And you weren’t moving. I tried talking to you but you weren’t talking. Then I started getting mad because you weren’t answering me. You got hurt. You could tell you got hurt.
ANNE
What about mom? Do you remember how mom was reacting?
IZA (on tape)
mom said I don’t care what happens to me if I see them again, one of them is going to be dead… and she doesn’t care if it’s her.
MOM (on tape)
I don’t know how to explain it but my whole being was in rage, because they hurt you. Because I never never lay a hand on you, and you know that- you and your sister. I know I remember asking you, and physically looking on your body if like there’s a wound or like a stab wound or something like that, and I saw that there was nothing. Y'know when those people hurt you, I just don’t want to hurt them- I want to kill them for what they did to you.
ANNE
My mom and sister weren’t the only ones angry. I found out my closest cousin Antonio, who we nicknamed Mix, drove straight to the hospital as soon as he found out.
MIX (on tape)
and then I was outside of the hospital y'know I was just angry, I was clenching my fist. I had to call work and tell them about what happened, and they took care of it. And everybody was trying to calm me down. And I didn’t know what happened to you because you were in the emergency room and they wouldn’t let me go in because of how I was.
ANNE
and after that I was at the hospital maybe for a while. After that, the cops came and started asking me questions and taking pictures of me. He was telling them to “roll up her shirt” so they could take pictures of the bruises. “Roll up her pant leg” so they could take pictures of my ankles. “Let me take pictures of her face.” It made me feel like I was one of the victims on TV that I always watch, like CSI you see them taking pictures of these crime scenes. And that’s how I felt. And so I felt violated and I got pissed off. And that’s when I literally felt my heart sink into my stomach, and I didn’t know what to do.
The next day my whole family showed support for my mom, sister and me. They came with food and with helping hands. But that day when I took a nap, the nightmares started.
My mom said I’d be yelling for her, and I’d have my hands over my face like I was blocking someone. Then I started swinging my arms around and I’d start moving around. And she said I’d yell, “No! No! Don’t touch! Me!” She said that was what I was yelling the whole time.
Here’s Mix again.
MIX (on tape)
I’d never seen you like that before, so I started crying. And I went outside, and started punching the wall. And then uncle- Uncle Noi came out and he trued to calm me down, but y’know it was hard.
ANNE
They got worse to the point where I’d wake up and I’d have a black eye. And it was because I was hitting myself. I felt them hitting me, but it was me hitting myself. And my mom had a hard time with that. She said you have to go see a counselor or psychologist or someone. And I said I don’t want to see anyone. Just let this pass.
What my mom and I decided is that I should move to L.A.
MOM (on tape)
It breaks my heart when I say okay you can go live in L.A. It’s a never ending responsibility of thinking about you guys welfare. It’s hard but I have to- I have to show the strength that I have. Because I know if you see me crying here and there, you will change your mind. And I don’t want to hold you up because you might have a better opportunity in LA than here.
ANNE
there were a few people who disagreed with my decision to move to LA and one of the more vocal ones was my Auntie Susan.
SUSAN (on tape)
so I though moving to LA was more of a cop out. I wouldn’t use the word cop out but it’s an easier road to take. Get out of this mess. That maybe if I went to LA, I might find myself there. But when you are by yourself, do you have peace? Do you feel like you found the place where you need to be?
ANNE
I do feel like I’ve found the place where I need to be. Everything out here in LA is awesome. I haven’t anyone call me names out here. And I have all these opportunities coming up. I want to be a police officer because I know what it feels like to pushed to the bottom of the list. When all this happened, I already knew this is what I had to be. I needed to be the first person there for those other people, not the last.
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