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Phatty Girl
"As a matter of fact, I had never even considered myself a fat girl."
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By Emily Schmookler
“I just want to thank you for going up there and doing what you’re doing...and showing that us fat people can dance.”
That comment was supposed to be a compliment from the middle aged audience member who approached me after a dance performance when I was 15 years old. But to me, he just came across as an older man watching my body, telling me who I was, and molding me into something I didn’t want to be.
Of course all teenagers have insecurities, but up until that moment I never considered myself a spokesperson for fat people. As a matter of fact, I had never even considered myself a fat girl. Now, I had the weight of all fat people on my shoulders.
That night all of my insecurities flooded my pillow. Any confidence I had in my image was shattered. For the rest of high school, I performed while in the back of my mind was the image of myself as a fat dancer.
Later, I visited Hawaii, and decided to go to college there. After the move, I lost my passion for performing arts. When my roommate Mary started working at Guess clothing store, she was always telling me to come in and buy stuff. But I still thought of myself as someone who wouldn’t be able to fit into any of the store’s clothes without looking absolutely ridiculous. Mary encouraged me to find my own style, and said, “Fashion is what you make it,” -- you know, don’t knock it ‘til you try it on.
When I moved back to the Bay Area, I started digging through my mom’s old clothes and window-shopping in boutiques, trying to find outfits and accessories that make me feel happy to be in my own skin.
It’s taken me six years to realize that I’m nobody’s spokesperson. And now, I embrace my curves by expressing my own style.
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